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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

You know you’re old when…

Someone sent me this. Very funny.

You know you're old when…
• To read this article, you'll need to increase the font size or you'll need your glasses.
• You can live without sex but not without glasses.
• Your joints are more accurate than the Weather Report.
• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
• You finally got your head together --- now --- your body is falling apart.
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
• You don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
• It takes twice as long to look half as good.
• People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• Clothes you've put away until they come back in style --- they're back in style.
• Your mind makes commitments your body can't keep.
• There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
• You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
• You look for your glasses for ½ an hour, then find they've been on your nose.
• You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..." or "When I was young…"
• The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them.
• Your eyebrows have more hair than you head.
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
• Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
• You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
• You read more and remember less.
• Younger women start opening doors for you

Fart Joke

You are on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you fart, you time it with the music. When you start making your way to the exit door, and as you exit the bus, everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and suddenly... you realize... you had your earphone on the whole time and was listening to your Walkman.


Joke ~ Ah Beng

Wow! This is good material for stand-up comedy.

Joke ~ Ah Beng

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.

He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

Ah Beng : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.

Friend: Really, what is he studying.

Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.

DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.

Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?

Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?

Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'

Wife: How do you know??

Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,

Oh GOD! U have come again.

Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'

Police: 'How come the thief did not take the TV?'

Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV ...'

Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'

He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'

How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?

He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.

So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?

Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup

Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense

Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'

Servant: 'It's already raining.'

Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the
Evening and not in the morning.  Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM
not AM .


Joke ~ A Stiff Neck (RA)

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. 'Grandpa, what are you doing?' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. 'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'