Catholic Joke ~ Ash Wednesday

Which version do you like?

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Lent starts on Ash Wednesday...

English Version

Let's get off our lazy arses and do something!

American Version

Let's get off our lazy asses and do something!

Catholic Version

Let's get off our lazy ashes and do something!

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My sister sent me this joke. This is a good one...

Joke ~ A Catholic Heart Attack A man suffered a sudden serious heart attack, and had immediate Lifesaving open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a weak voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied.  “No money in the bank.” The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you with the cost?” He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun…” The nun became agitated, and said loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters!  Nuns are married to God.” The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

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Joke ~ Post Office

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn to your right."The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on...You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

Joke ~ Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day

Received this via email for the umpteenth time. Rather than continue a chain-email, I chose to put it on my BLOG. Verification needed coz I don't know if this is true... BUT, in the meantime, enjoy the joke.

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Joke ~ Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days...The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..".

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

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Catholic Joke

Is Your Child Is Having Problems With Maths?

Little Zachary was doing quite badly in math. His parents had tried everything. tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special learning Centres. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

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A Catholic Horse Racing Joke

Someone sent me this Catholic Horse Racing Joke via email that I’d like to share. Good Catholics should be able to understand it. If not, you’ve got to do some research. Enjoy!

A Catholic Horse Racing Joke
(Author Unknown)

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.

Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for 5th race lined up, and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings too, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, “That's the problem with most Non-Catholics, they can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites; and I’ll bet some Catholics don’t know that either”.

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